Relationships Take Work
Relationships may not be a job, but they are a form of work. Relationships can be fulfilling, but they can also be a source of pain. When developing healthy relationships, certain aspects must be tended to for the relationship to be considered healthy. What if, while forming these relationships, certain foundations were not built effectively? How can I blame someone for something they were never taught how to do effectively?
What is the point of a conversation? What is a conversation designed to do? What makes conversations so crucial to relationships? What happens when people cannot have a conversation?
Relationships Need Vulnerability
Relationships are built on trust, trust is built on vulnerability, and vulnerability is built on complex conversations.
It is challenging to have healthy conversations when we feel our trust has been violated. How can we move past a break in trust, or do we even want to? These are conversations that many people might have had in their relationships. No one can tell you those answers to those questions, except you. What do you want? Or not want? Some relationships are not meant to be as close as they are now. Some are supposed to fade; that is okay. How can we tell the differences between which ones are worth it and which ones are not? These are some of the difficult conversations that can build vulnerability. Before we can be vulnerable to others, we must be open with ourselves.
Having difficult conversations requires accountability, and accountability begins with everyone. How can we expect others to be vulnerable to each other when we cannot be vulnerable to ourselves?
Listening Skills Are Important
Conversation consists of two parts: listening and responding. Do we get into the habit of trying to get our words out? We do not want an answer; we want to feel heard. Is that what you need the most, to feel heard? How do you know you have been? What do you need to see or hear to know you have been heard?
Difficult conversations may start with a list. What do you value most in relationships? What values do you hold personally? What boundaries do I need in this relationship? This is not meant to be selfish, nor is it to suggest that the other person’s boundaries do not matter; however, the only boundaries that each person controls are their own. Discussing what boundaries need to be compromised on each side is another conversation, but starting conversations begin somewhere.
When beginning conversations, people may also start with, ‘I don’t know what to say.’ This can be a regular part of difficult conversations. For many, writing things down first can help clarify their thoughts and give them a map of what they want to say. Relationships can be emotional, and it can be challenging to think clearly when we are emotional. There is power in writing things down and saying them aloud. When we write them down and say them aloud to ourselves, we may hear something that we might not have if we are reacting to our emotions in the moment. Emotions are not inherently bad, but we may say things we do not entirely mean when we respond to our feelings, rather than letting our thoughts guide what our emotions are telling us.
When listening, we also need to hear the other person and understand what they want to say. It is difficult for many to respond if we do not listen or hear the other person.
Steven Covey discusses in his Book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then be understood. This does not mean that what we think or say does not matter, but would knowing more change how we respond? Each person must be individually willing to do this for vulnerability and trust to be built.
Covey goes on to describe the various levels of listening: ignoring, pretending, selective listening, and attentive listening. These levels can be described more in his book. Listening requires us not only to refrain from talking, but also to truly engage emotionally with what the other person is saying, with both your mind and your heart. Knowing whether you are available for a conversation is a crucial step, and communicating can prevent much of the frustration that arises when people feel unheard.
Intentionality is crucial. If I want to be in a relationship, what can I do to ensure that I am being intentional and having healthy conversations? Healthy conversations build relationships.
Resources:
Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Free Press, United States.