Now what do I do?
What happens when the people closest to you break your heart? What happens when your spouse betrays you? What do you do when your children ignore or demean you? What do you do when your friends forget about you? What happens when your life derails from the careful way you’ve worked, planned, and built it? Relationships of all types can grieve without anyone dying. Grief is loss, not necessarily death.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson
We, as people, do not live alone, and interacting and connecting with others carries a price. We know that many times, the people closest to us will cause the most pain. Either unintentionally or on purpose, relationships can leave an indelible mark on our lives and stories. What do we do when the relationships and connections in our lives don’t go the way we had envisioned?
It is easy to stop moving and build up a wall so no one gets close again. The problem is that when we build a wall around our heart, it also becomes isolating and lonely.
The grieving process is different for everyone, but it is one that almost everyone has to walk through. Just as there is no single way to grieve, we can grieve for different reasons. In any of the situations described, a process of grief is still necessary for healing.
Mourning is the term we use when someone in our life has passed away. Mourning is an outward expression of core needs that someone does to process their grief. The term mourning can be applied to other situations, and not only to people who have passed away. Mourning is the act of sorrowing; A period of time in which signs of grief are shown. (Webster Dictionary, 2026).
Grieving Process
Grieving is an internal process. It is a natural process in response to loss. The loss can be categorized in different ways.
While not everyone goes through the grieving process in the same way, it is important to take the time to grieve. Grieving often involves several stages, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Think of the acronym DABDA. It is also important to note that not everyone goes through the process in the same way, in the same order, or through all the stages.
Another note about grieving is that there is no timeline to grief: There is not one right way to grieve. Some may stop me right here and ask, “Why should I grieve the loss of a relationship?”
As a relationship therapist, I have learned that while relationships can cause heartache and be the source of the most hurt, they can also be the most healing. A natural response would be to avoid relationships. I use this phrase to describe avoidance: When we avoid talking about emotions, it is like a tree on fire next to our house. What happens when we ignore that fire? Ignoring is like tossing gasoline on it.
How do I begin healing a relationship?
Begin building healthy relationships. This is not an overnight process. I say that relationships are built on trust, trust on vulnerability, and vulnerability on difficult conversations.
Begin grieving by locating your safe people. This group may not be very large, and they may not agree with everything you say, but they can support you, surround you, and love you. This can also be a series of relationships, such as a friend to talk to, a spiritual or faith leader to pray and encourage you, as well as a mental health therapist to listen and give an outside perspective.
Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions.
Lean in. Understandably, we don’t want the feelings to overwhelm us. We can’t stop emotions from coming, but we can control our response to them. Just like a wave approaching the shore, we can’t stop the wave, but we can control how we interact with the wave. Avoid rushing through the process. There is progress in the process.
Building healthy boundaries is essential.
Boundaries protect relationships by setting limits on what is helpful, necessary, and loving, and by separating them from what is harmful.
Maintain self-care
Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. There is a phrase that airline staff use: “Put your own mask on first.” This is not out of selfishness, but out of security. If we fall apart ourselves, we are not available to help anyone else.
Use your Strengths
As a therapist who is also a Christian, my source of strength is my relationship with God and His Word. While everyone has their own walk with their faith, these scriptures of God’s word can be like balm to a burn.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 61:2 When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
These may be phrases to some, but to others, they are comforting promises. There is power in the written word and power in the spoken word. Saying things out loud can give us a different perspective from the one we have in the moment.
If you need help sorting out grief from a relationship, we encourage you to reach out to us. We would love to help.
Resources:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mourning
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/grief-fact-sheet
https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/King-James-Version-KJV-Bible/