With many in the country celebrating Lent and looking forward to Easter, it is a good time to talk about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is more than just a word; it is an action.
Understanding Forgiveness
Clinical Perspective: Forgiveness is not condoning the offense or excusing the offender. It is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment, anger, and vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip of the past.
Faith-Based Perspective: In our Christian faith, forgiveness is a core principle. It is a Godly attribute that humans are called to emulate. Forgiveness can restore broken relationships, bring inner peace, and align oneself with spiritual values. It acknowledges the wrong that was done but seeks reconciliation and healing. Forgiveness is an act of Love.
- Forgiveness is a realization. Everyone is accountable to someone. When we don’t understand forgiveness, it can be more challenging to think about, let alone give it
- Forgiveness requires someone admitting they were wrong.
- Forgiving is the act of dismissing, pardoning, or absolving.
- To cease to feel resentment against. To cease to blame.
- Forgiveness is the release of a debt. It is a release of resentment.
This can be harder to do in some relationships than others.
Forgiving a child for taking your last stick of gum may not be the same intensity as forgiving a spouse for infidelity, or a parent/ family member for abuse or neglect, yet the word is the same.
As a Christian therapist, I always go back to the word of God. Some people may get cynical about seeking professional advice from the word of God, but God is the source of all knowledge and the center of all wisdom.
Obstacles to Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be challenging, and several common obstacles may arise:
- Believing the Offender Doesn’t Deserve Forgiveness: This is a common barrier, but remember that forgiveness is about your healing, not about the other person’s worthiness.
- Fear of Being Hurt Again: Setting boundaries is crucial to protect yourself from further harm.
- Holding onto Anger and Resentment: These emotions can feel powerful and justified, but they ultimately hold you back from healing.
- Perfectionism: Believing that you should be able to forgive easily and quickly. Be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.
- Lack of Empathy: Difficulty seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective.
- Unresolved Trauma: Past trauma can make it difficult to forgive, especially if the offense is like a previous experience. Seeking professional help is recommended.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean to continue letting people walk on, abuse, or misuse you. But it’s the removal of the effects of what they have done. When someone has wronged us, it’s natural to feel resentment. Another word for resentment is bitterness.
To be close to God, we ask for a clean heart. (Psalms 51:10-13). We can’t have a clean heart if we also harbor bitterness. Bitterness and true peace cannot coexist. Bitterness, jealousy, and envy cannot coexist with a clean heart. Psalms 51 talks about creating a clean heart. Creating means to cause something into being that would not naturally evolve, or an ordinary process does not make that. It is a divine act. I wonder if that’s why some people have a hard time forgiving. If Jesus is not in it, it’s not true forgiveness. It’s the shell, and the word without the work.
Steps to Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It takes time, effort, and self-compassion. Here are some steps that can help you on your journey:
- Acknowledge the Pain: Allow yourself to feel the pain and anger caused by the offense. Don’t suppress your emotions; acknowledge them. Forgiveness is a realization. When we don’t understand forgiveness, it can be more challenging to do.
- Make a Conscious Decision to Forgive: This is a deliberate choice to release the negative emotions associated with the offense. It doesn’t mean you forget what happened; it means you choose not to let it control you. Forgive and process, not forgive and forget.
- Empathy and Understanding: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective (without excusing their behavior). Consider their motivations, background, and circumstances. This can help you develop empathy.
- Reframing: Reframe the offense in a new light. Can you find any positive lessons or growth opportunities that emerged from the experience?
- Set Boundaries: Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to continue a relationship with the offender. Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.
- Release Expectations: Let go of the expectation that the offender will apologize or make amends. Forgiveness is about your healing, not about changing the other person.
- Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or spiritual advisor. Sharing your feelings can provide comfort and guidance.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind and gentle with yourself throughout the forgiveness process. It’s okay to have setbacks and challenges. Forgive yourself for any anger or resentment you may still be holding onto.
- Prayer/Meditation: Engage in prayer or meditation to connect with your faith and seek guidance in the forgiveness process.
All behavior is learned, and God is the source of all. From a clinical perspective, I tell my clients that I would stake everything on relationships and environments. Unless we first learn forgiveness from God, we won’t truly be able to forgive others.
Relationships are built on trust, and trust is built on vulnerability. Vulnerability is built on difficult conversations. God forgave us and gave us the actual blueprint for how to forgive others.
Creating a clean heart is a divine act. We as humans were born in sin, and we were born with darkness surrounding us. Through building a relationship with God, we learn about Him and His ways. Without Him, we won’t know what a divine act is.
We want forgiveness from God, but we don’t have room for that much goodness with all the infection built up inside of us. We may not have room for forgiveness if we have buried hurt, anger, and fear deep down. There’s no room for forgiveness.
I don’t like using the phrase “forgive and forget.” Experience is a great teacher. Instead, I reframe it to Forgive, and process. When we process, we let all the feelings come out and stay open. You cannot truly forgive if you have not asked God to teach you how to forgive. The wound may have started small and unnoticed, but as it went unprocessed and unattended, it grew and spread. Resentment and bitterness left unattended are like an illness. It will eat you alive.
Letting go is the purging. Purging is the cleaning. Forgiveness releases the grip, purging removes it. I can’t hear joy if I not only forgive but also let go. Letting go is a choice. Release is like freeing a prisoner. If we forgive, but we don’t release the resentment, it can take root, often deeper than before. It is a freeing from anything that restrains. Only God can purge. If we don’t have a relationship with Him, we don’t know what forgiveness is. We won’t know what letting go honestly means.
When God forgives, he purges. And removes it. Letting go and forgiving are a two-part process. If we are on, we forgive and allow the work to remain unfinished.
Additional References:
Greenburg, L.S. (2015). Working with emotional injuries: Letting go and forgiveness. In Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings., 2nd ed. (pp. 259-280). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14692-013
Greenberg, L.S., Warwar, S.H., Malcolm, W.M. (2008). Differential effects of emotion-focused therapy and psychoeducation in facilitating forgiveness and letting go of emotional injuries. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55(2), 185-196.
Mesese, C. W., & Greenberg, L.S. (2019). Emotion-focused therapy and forgiveness for individuals. In Forgiveness and letting go in emotion-focused therapy. (pp. 51-89). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000144-004